Never Go to Bed Angry: P.L.A.N.
Relationship advice often comes easy, and yet it can be quite difficult to apply in the middle of a situation. Don’t go to bed angry. By no means does this antidote suggest staying up until the wee hours of the morning in observance of a stalemate. Instead, it promotes a need to seek understanding, be empathetic, and show respect to your partner and for their perspective. “Don’t go to bed angry” is actually an adage found in the Bible. The Apostle Paul was sharing gems of truth that was often overlooked back then and are still applicable today.
Ephesians 4:25-27
25 Therefore, ridding yourselves of falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, because we are parts of one another. 26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.
BACK STORY
A quick history lesson on this sage relationship advise: Don’t go to bed angry. The book of Ephesians, written by the Apostle Paul, is addressed to the church of Ephesus. Y’all, Paul was talking to the church folks, and his purpose is clear. They needed help regarding how to relate to one another. In the first few verses of chapter 4, Paul discusses the proper way for his fellow brothers and sisters to walk in a “manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, being diligent to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
Can you speak your grievances while being humble, gentle, patient, and loving, all while maintaining a sense of peace in the Spirit? This is exactly what Paul was advising the church folk in Ephesus to do. It’s relationship advise at it’s best. Despite a common usage of the term “relationship”, a relationship doesn’t necessarily JUST exist in a romantic sense. How we interact with parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc. can also be characterized as relationships. While this post is focused primarily on couples, the rules should definitely be applied to any relationship.
Consider this: Person A offends Person B. Before we can start applying “Do not go to bed angry”, let’s cover the fundamental basics.
FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE WELCOME, BUT DON’T CROSS THE LINE!
- It’s okay to feel angry. You won’t be considered morally wrong or sinful for getting upset. Before you get too excited… please understand that the scripture does indicate there is a clear stopping point for anger.
2. That stopping point, or threshold, is sin. Ephesians 4:26 says we are never supposed to let the sun set on our anger. Perhaps a better way of explaining: our anger should not persist overnight into the next day. WHY? Because when we allow anger to extend beyond its threshold, this strong emotion is no longer considered spiritually safe. WHAT? Holding onto anger means letting go of God. Anger when not properly addressed can open a door through which we invite sin into our hearts. HOW? Unresolved anger transforms into resentment. Merriam Webster dictionary defines “resentment” as a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult or injury.
Bonus: The Bible acknowledges and does NOT condemn that we as Believers will likely experience strong negative emotion, specifically anger. It is strongly suggested that we must resolve our anger EVERY DAY. Y’all know what that means? Goodbye, grudges! Heeeeelllo, effective conflict resolution!!! Now, lets get to it.
Here’s the P.L.A.N.: ACTIONABLE STEPS TO HEALTHY CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Please. The first step is for Person B, who is offended, to address the offense with Person A. The “Please” is very significant because it sets the tone or intention for all of the following steps. Person B cannot assume Person A can read his or her mind or correctly decipher a mood, body language, or other unspoken communication cues. In fact, Person B should not initiate the conversation until he or she can successfully execute the tone of “Please”.
In the English language, specifically in American culture, we often use the word “please” to precede a command. For example: ‘Please wash the dishes.” According to Merriam Webster dictionary, the word “please” is defined as “to give satisfaction or pleasure, to feel the desire to do something.” Ladies and Gents, “please” is an ACTION verb. It is something we do.
How does one properly execute a “please”? Through a verbalized “call to action” designed to bring your partner pleasure. It’s important to remember the objective is to inspire a desire for Person A to do something. If Person B politely expresses the perceived offense, how he or she felt, along with the need that Person B is now requesting their partner to fulfill, it could influence a favorable response. After all, Person A and Person B likely share a common value of maintaining the emotional feng shui (balance and harmony) of the relationship.
Listen Carefully. This second step is for Person A, the offender. He or she has a responsibility to listen carefully to what is being said. Person A must listen and hear Person B’s concern and identified need(s).
Turn off the mental replay of previous conversations. The easiest way to do this is to stop living in the past. Give grace in acknowledgement that Person B’s needs can change or the current scenario may differ from a previous one. Perhaps Person B has experienced growth in a mental, emotional, educational, or psychological aspect, and that growth inspired a shift in perspective resulting in a new need altogether. As such, Person A must be attentive and receptive whenever Person B shares new information. Maintain a posture of open-mindedness in order to be receptive of new revelations and insight offered by Person B. This creates an opportunity to establish an emotional connection with Person B and develop a deeper understanding of Person B’s current need.
Accommodate. Once Person B has set the intention of “please,” and Person A responded by listening, the third step is for Person A to accommodate and meet the expressed need of Person B.
Embrace the art of understanding and the significance of follow through. Person A must realize that efforts displayed in the past do not count toward this current situation. In order to accommodate Person B’s need, approach the resolution process with a renewed mind. Utilize words and display intentional actions that reveal and reinforce comprehension of the communicated offense, feelings, and need. This accommodation step shows an earnest desire to effectively meet Person B’s need in a manner in which he or she can be receive.
Normalize. This last step is simple. Just repeat the P.L.A.N.– all four steps, until it becomes normal. Sometimes the roles will be reversed. Person B today may be fulfilling the role of Person A tomorrow. The relationship advice, “Do not go to bed angry”, as expressed in scripture takes on a familiar resemblance to the Golden Rule, doesn’t it? The Golden Rule Jesus’ style is written in Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31.
“In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12
“Treat people the same way you want them to treat you.” Luke 6:31
Let us always recognize the mandate of resolvinfg our anger TODAY! Not tomorrow. Next week is not good enough. The more space we give to anger, the more it will grow, and the tougher it becomes to correct misleadings, misgivings, and misunderstandings in our relationships Most importantly though, holding anger past its expiration reveals a commitment to the practice of sin.
Anger is a natural emotion that God’s people experience occasionally. If left unresolved, anger is also a way we give the devil access to our mind, our heart, and our soul. Since Satan did not create anger, he cannot control its existence or its impact in our lives. Yet when a Believer fails to properly handle anger, he or she creates an opportunity for Satan to use emotion to influence us to extend the shelf life of our anger. If we’re not mindful, we may begin to justify negative actions based on the hurt we’ve experienced. An avoidance to address anger will cause cracks in the foundation of the relationship through which the offense occurred. Then we begin feeling our way toward sin, which separates us from God. Eventually, unresolved anger can destroy our relationship with the other person and God simultaneously. Take control of your anger today. P.L.A.N. Please. Listen carefully. Accommodate. Normalize. Don’t go to bed angry.